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Cops can't substitute for mommy and daddy. Neither can social workers or detention centers. The school can't replace the home. Professionals can't replace the family. We hear that all the time. But, in the aftermath of another deadly shooting at a school by an adolescent, those simple disclaimers can lead to retreat in the face of the urgent need for adults to take more responsibility for this violence. The need is to start listening to evermore-pressured adolescents and not rush to the legislature with bills to lock them up at a younger age, after they've shot and killed.

We've all heard the platitude that "society" can't replace the immediate family and solve family problems.

But who is society? We are.

From Springfield, Ore., to Jonesboro, Ark., and from central New Haven to south central Los Angeles -- Americans are more than ever an extended family. Even with our cultural diversity, the common ties that bind us grow stronger. When we see the violence in these schools, we know these victims could be our kids. Our kids fear that they could be shot in their schools. This violence is touching our lives. With these shootings, rural and suburban America are experiencing what much of urban America lives with every day: the threat of violence.

When children feel they're not being listened to, when they feel powerless and are often frightened, they make a loud noise. Now we are hearing that noise as gunshots tragically heard around the world.

Consider what it's like for more and more children growing up today -- in cities or on farms, whether they're wealthy, middle class or struggling: they're growing up without a parent truly in their life. In more families than ever, both parents have to work because of a declining standard of living for all but the rich. Even in financially comfortable families, both parents work longer hours because of the siren call of rampant consumerism.

The percentage of kids living in single-parent families almost doubled from 15 percent in 1970 to 27 percent in 1990. Half of all children born in the 1970s and 1980s will have lived in a single-parent home during part of their childhood.

Very simply, parents have less time to notice the early-warning signals of trouble. They have less time to ease these problems with love and nurturing.

What must we do about it as an extended family?

Parents are the best, most-nurturing line of defense against childhood neglect and trauma. We must enable parents to obtain help without stigma and without a bureaucratic nightmare.

Teachers see our kids every day. They need to pay attention to failing grades, to acting out, to expressions of confused identity, and other warning signals.

Teachers need backup from school counselors and administrators. Schools need backup from teams of community cops, psychologists and probation officers.

Law enforcement must redefine its mission. It must not be just arresting kids. Police officers should be getting to know kids on the beat and steering them to constructive outlets for their growth and energy.

This means cops must know the kids who act out on the street -- not in condoning petty misbehavior, but finding the ways to do more than harassing or handcuffing them.

Police departments must recruit cops who like to work with kids and help people. This means cops must know youth workers to match with wayward kids. It means cops need to keep in touch with teachers, neighbors and parents, even visiting homes and organizing outings for neighborhood kids. The new wave of community policing can and should enable officers on walking beats to carry out this kind of work.

More cities should adopt the type of partnership New Haven police started with Yale University earlier in the decade, linking cops with Yale child psychologists. Every young child who witnesses a violent incident spends a year working with a psychologist-officer duo to deal with the anger and confusion. The long-term results -- less violence when those kids become adolescents -- are visible in New Haven.